I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
