Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
