you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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