I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
