I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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