Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
