So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
