I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
