please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
