Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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