I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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