everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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