My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
