they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
