There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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