I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
