see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
