he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
