I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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