dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
