i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize