ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
