I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
