never play flip cup with pint glasses
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
