Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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