not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
