So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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