i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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