my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
