Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
