Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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