a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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