my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
