ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
