Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
