we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
