I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
