I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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