her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
