4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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