Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
