They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
