he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I enjoy the company of your penis
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
