Please, let me fuck your mom
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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