happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
