My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
