Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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