Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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