You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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