I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
