dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
