I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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