Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
