Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
