why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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