I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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