I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
