I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
